Monday, January 20, 2014

I Feel Like I Am Failing God

I have felt, many times, that I am failing God. I know that I sin, and sinning hurts God, who sent his only Son to die on the cross and save us from our sins. I pray for forgiveness for my sins. But, I'm not talking about sinning. I'm talking about the use of my God-given gifts.

We are all given gifts, skills, talents from God. As St. Paul says (1 Cor 12:7) "To each individual the manifestation of the Spirit is given for some benefit." One of my gifts, I believe, is the gift of playing guitar. Don't get me wrong. I am not as talented as Jimmy Page, Muriel Anderson, Andres Segovia, or BB King. However, I will admit that, even as a teenager, I was told regularly that I played well; I continue to hear that even now.

Why do I sometimes feel that I am failing God? I have recently decided to devote my life to performing music, as a way to share God's gift to me. Maybe in my naivete, or maybe because my ego was bigger than I thought it was, I expected to be more successful by now, in the earthly sense, than I think I am. Have I not been practicing diligently enough? Have I not been as aggressive in sharing my talents as I should be? What am I doing wrong?

I have thought about this and prayed about it. A discussion with a priest opened my eyes to what is really happening. First of all, this process is teaching me to trust God. God will provide in his time, the perfect time. And, probably more importantly, I am looking at things as a person; I cannot see what God sees. God sees our what is in our hearts (Ps 139:1-4 and Rom 8:27). So, while I think I have been failing, God is looking at things differently. He is guiding me along the path that he wants me to take. I don't know if stardom is on that path or not. But, it doesn't matter. Doing the will of God is what matters. In that way, since I am trying my best to do his will, I guess I am not a failure.